Marcel Lucont: what we French think about your British cinema

As I say in my wonderful book, What We French Think Of You British … And Where You Are Going Wrong, it is a myth that the French hate the British. Most of the time we choose simply to ignore you. And, of course, the same can be said of British cinema.

When I see what is on offer at most British movie theatres, it is difficult not to recall Truffaut's belief that the words "British" and "cinema" seem to be at odds when placed together in a sentence. Often you seem proud of your productions only when handed statuettes by the USA, like only being proud of a child for winning an eating contest, while we insist on a certain quota of French films being shown in our cinemas (for which the cinemas, in fact, pay less tax).

The French are keenly aware that cinema is so much more than an accompaniment to popcorn, and here are just some of the myriad ways in which we do it so much better …

Gritty drama Of course Trainspotting elicited pathos here in France: heroin addiction aside, we felt for the Scottish for not even having a body of water to separate them from the English. But for those who require more plausibility than the lead junkie walking off into the sunset, choose monochrome miserablism, choose French, choose La Haine.

Nudity In France, our women are proud enough of their bodies to get naked without the aid of a Chinese gay man. This is reflected in our films, so with French cinema you certainly get more loins for your coins.

Comedy While the French were being amused by the subtle quirks of Tati's Monsieur Hulot, the English were clutching their sides at large-breasted women losing their bikinis, and men saying "phwoooar" or "oooh" a lot. English, you are welcome to the phrase "double-entendre," we have little cause to use it.

Heroes and heroines Our film icons are often more rounded, sometimes in every sense of the word. In a wooing contest, Gerard Depardieu beats Hugh Grant every time, by more than a nose. Audrey Tautou you wish to take home and cuddle. Beatrice Dalle you wish to take home and do things I am told The Guide will not print. Keira Knightley you wish to take home and feed.

Taking our time Like the enjoyment of a fine wine versus a beery binge, French cinema knows how to pace itself. Often I feel a British audience has barely the patience to sit through the trailers, let alone the unfolding Nouvelle Vague masterpieces of Rivette or Rohmer.

Et voila. It is clear that, barring a Leigh or a Loach, British cinema has some way to go before surpassing a Bresson or a Besson. This debate, of course, could go on and on. It is therefore best to admit that I am right and to move on. See you in Cannes.

Marcel Lucont Etc: A Chat Show is at Underbelly Cowgate, 4-28 Aug

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